Nagsulat Ako Kasi Feeling Ko Nababaliw Na Ako

"Let go of what's done, focus on what's next."

"Wala na ako masabi. Basta kapit lang Guys."

"Yeah..lahat nga ng mga nakikita nameng lumalabas grabe parang gusto na mag give up eh.."

"Taxed. Doomed."

"How's your second sunday? Hope everything's well. Fight lang! You're half way there, Atty.!😊"

Some of the messages I've read after the second Sunday exams.

After the morning exam, which is Civil Law, I want to give up already but I convinced myself to continue the fight that I started. Yung tipong nag-aral ka naman pero bakit ganun? Then come taxation in the afternoon. Mas bumaba confidence ko. Nevertheless, inayos ko gamit ko, tried not to cry, lumabas ako ng building, then waited for my friend. Sa una hindi namin alam sasabihin sa isa't-isa. Eventually, we decided to recall our answers. Ang hirap talaga ng Sunday na ito, we concluded.

After dinner, together with the boyfie and his family, we got a massage. Nakaidlip ata ako then naisip ko yung questions and ibang sagot ko sa tax. Nung patapos na ang massage, hindi ko mawari kung panaginip ko ba yun o talagang iniisip ko siya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I don't want to be insane because of the bar exams.

I went home and then tried to keep off my mind sa exams. Pero kahit nasa bahay na ang dami pa ring pumapasok sa utak ko. Sabi ko nga parang hindi ko na ma distinguish ang reality sa dreams. And that's a little scary yet funny. Anyway, everyone else is saying na move on and charge again for the next Sunday. So I stopped browsing my tax book and decided to just browse the social media. And then boom, my feed is full of Sunday exam rants and disappointments. I want to rant too pero I don't have too much energy to do that. I am lucky enough to have friends and family who loves pushing me and lifting me up. My friends who took the exam also share the same sentiments regarding the exam. All of us felt down but we decided to stay on the battle, keep the faith, and continue the worthy fight. Pinili namin ito so papanindigan namin for ourselves, for our family and for our friends who fight side by side with us in this.

Two more Sundays and we can finally release ourselves from emotional, physical and financial distress. Taking the bar exams is very taxing and takes a lot of courage. It is an exam that will make you question your intelligence, faith and confidence.  For the past two Sundays, they gave 30 minutes extensions for each subject because the exams were too long. Well, at least, we're thankful for that pero yung iba, at ako rin, na wala ng masabi para pahabain ang sagot, ay nagpasa na lang ng medyo maaga sa oras na itinakda. Wala na rin naman kasing mapipiga. Maybe some won't understand what we're going through but that's okay because you don't want to be in this situation anyway. Some would say encouraging words, some would just roll their eyes and just say it's just like any other exams or maybe na ginusto namin ito.  And that's okay, it don't really matter. We are entitled to our own opinions. Thus, we are entitled with ours too, so don't be a troll. Peace out!

I woke up at 12 noon today and I decided to write in my blog to let my frustrations out. Another day, another chance to everything. And yes, we are keeping the faith.

The Struggle

Minsan akala mo okay na lahat. After mo magpatawad, ginagawa mo lahat para makalimutan yung past niya, yung ginawa niya sa’yo. You keep on trying to convince yourself that he is the guy you’ll end up marrying and you’ll stick with him and fight for your relationship until the end. Then the cycle began. After a mistake, you will talk to each other, you forgive, set limitations, make an agreement then move forward. That’s the way it should be. That’s what couples should do after a fight, right? That no matter what happen, everything will be okay as long as you love each other and you will both fight for your relationship.

Every single day is a struggle after that. You have to convince yourself and put in your mind that he is a changed man now and he will never do anything that will ruin your relationship. Of course, you have to have an assurance from him every now and then that you should feel secure with him and that he’s making everything right. So every time you’ll see a fault from him, you’ll get paranoid that maybe, he’s doing it again. “Doing” does not necessarily mean cheating. That “doing” includes everything that may threaten the relationship. Ika nga,   a real man will cut off any female that may threaten his relationship with his woman. So kapag may mapapansin ka na mali niya or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, he’ll sometimes get mad. What if he gets burned out or as what they are always saying na “nakakasakal na”. Is it entirely the fault of the girl? I say, of course not. In the very first place, you won’t get paranoid or have trust issues if he didn’t do anything at all. And now he’s blaming you for not controlling your emotions or for not moving on from the past. And oh, that’s the point, he kept saying “the past” when in fact, he just did something days ago. Irony isn’t it? So for them, after making a fault, you have to forgive and then move on. Parang in a snap of a finger, dapat ganun kadali ang lahat.

Who would want a relationship na lagi na lang away? Who would want to be paranoid all the time? No one. We all want peace and happiness in our relationship. How we resolve this kind of issue depends on how we want to end up things. By the way, our action depends on how our partners are treating us. Depende na lang kung martyr ka nang sobra at tanggap ka na lang ng tanggap na ikaw ang may mali ng lahat. Selfless love daw dapat. Pero minsan nakakatanga na rin yan. Ano yun? Lagi ka na lang iiyak at masasaktan pero magsstay ka sa relationship niyo kasi mahal na mahal mo? Ever since, I’ve always believed that love is never enough to make a relationship work.

So there, what we’re doing right now mirrors of what they’ve done to us in the past. It may be resolved already. You may have talked about it and agreed on certain things but that’s not so easy to forget, babe. Kung ang sugat nga kahit naghilom na, may maiiwan pang scar and it will take time before it disappears, ano pa kaya yung emotions ng tao. So pumasok ka sa relationship, ang ganda mo,ang ganda ng perspective mo sa buhay, and you’re full of positivity, you’re a strong woman, then your guy committed a major mistake. Yeah, pinatawad mo, once, twice, thrice. Pero sabi ko nga, hindi madali makalimot so you’ll have trust issues pa rin kahit anong pilit mong maging okay ang lahat. And then, your guy will be irate with the way you’re acting. And now, you’re at your worst. It’s not you anymore. You’ve changed your rules. You’ve broken your principles because of love, because of him. And now that you’re weak and broken because of him, he’ll get mad and somewhat blame you because he said, it’s your own doing and it’s your choice, and worst, he may eventually dump you. Sick irony of life right? –Shi,07/25/16

Love Again

Love Again

04/06/16

I need to lose, to win again.

I need to fall, to rise again.

If someone pulls me down.

I need to aim up and win the fight.

I need to face my fears to love again.

To love with no pain,

And no cloud in between.

I need to lose, to win again.

I need to fall, to rise again.

To trust wholeheartedly,

And love unconditionally.

I need to cast away my fears.

To love again, this time it’s real.

A lifetime too short to live,

So now I gotta give what still remains.

I need to lose, to win again.

I need to fall, to rise again.

Unaccepted

Unaccepted.

Have you ever felt unaccepted by the group of your partner and vice versa?

It's a battle that you can hardly win.

So it is just the two of you against the world.

Cliche may it sounds.

But that's the life of the unaccepted.

Pain whatsoever

I feel so alone. No friends to cry on, no partner to understand me.

Yes, I am moody and unpredictable. I am strong, yet weak. All I want is care and understanding.

I isolated myself from almost everyone to justify a relationship that is now gone. I defended my relationship to my friends and got tired of it so I walked out. Now, even my partner left me. Now, I am ledt with nothing.

I feel so helpless but I will keep my feet on the ground because my family and my God is here with me.

Letting Go

I don't want to be too hard on myself from now on. I just have to let go of people that doesn't want to be part of my life. Or at least care less for them and srop overthinking? I guess that's a big problem with me. I tend to make sure that I let my friends and loved ones feel that they're important me and I, on the other hand, taken for granted. They said worry less and care less so you'll enjoy a peaceful life. I never applied it before and I am willing to try it now.

Worry less. Care less. Be positive. Live.

Caramoan Islands Trip

These are the few photos I've taken during our Caramoan trip. The gift of nature is indeed breathtaking. God is brilliant and so generous to have given us the beauty of nature.

We're only four when we went there together with three bangkeros. We rode a bangka from Bislig,Catanduanes going to the Caramoan islands. The ocean was kind enough not to rock us hard. We went to four islands and they are all beautiful.

I'll definitely go back here. :)

Demons In My Head

Few more days to go and I get to see my love again. It's hard to convince yourself that it's okay without him. It's hard to fight the demons in your head shouting at you that everything is not okay and sometimes, you give in with those voices.

Being away from him especially when we have issues almost drained me. It's not easy,believe me. I'm not overreacting. It's the fact.

Few more days, my love. I'll se you again. Let's keep holding on.

Cozy Resto In Catanduanes

This is my favorite resto in my hometown- Catanduanes. Cozy place and good food. :)

The food is quite applaudable for an affordable price. The service is okay but expect that you have to wait more than the regular minutes of serving time. :) Will definitely bring my friends here if they decided to visit our island. :) Tara sa Blossom's Restaurant!! <3

Every Single Day Is A Choice

Relationships. It has its ups and downs. It depends on us on how we react on them. Fight it or accept it. There will come a point, however, that you will just accept and accept and then you get used to it then you don't care anymore. Once you are in a relationship, you have to make a choice everyday. It's either you choose to love your partner or not. Everyday, there should be a reaffirmation. Or else, the flame would die.

You do not choose a partner whom you will marry just because of pretty face, sexy body, big tits or a nice buttocks. The outer appearance will fade but the beauty inside will remain. It depends on you on whether you choose a beautiful partner today but you can't talk to for long hours. When you both get old, you will be too drained, tired and old to do the sexy thing. All you would want to do is have a good company and a good talk.

Relationships do not have hard and fast rules. You cannot predict the future. You cannot asure that the partner you have now is the person you will marry in the future no matter how in love you are. And even if you are now married, you cannot even assure that you won't break the tie. So everyday of your lives, it will be a choice. A choice to love your partner every single day or a choice to just stop loving your partner and leave.

(No proofreading done so forgive me. I wrote this through my phone for only five minutes. I just let my fingers type the letters based on what my mind and heart dictates them.)

Battling My Own Fear

The tears that won't dry up.

The fears that won't shut up.

The paranoia that keeps haunting me.

How to let go?

How to set free?

The struggle is real.

I keep on fighting.

I keep on seeking.

My soul will soon find peace.

In time, in time.

Uncared, unloved, unworthy.

It is wrong to feel this way.

To suppress them or to let him see.

In time, in time.

I know this feeling would fade away.